The best way to improve your driving.

The best way to improve your driving skills is to be a front seat passenger in a car driven by my good friend Sam.

The best way to improve your driving skills is to be a front seat passenger in a car driven by my good friend Sam. 

I love Sam. If he needed a kidney, I'd give him one of mine. But he is the reason my hair has turned grey(er).

Sam was a police officer for almost 30 years, and we worked together. He is one of the nicest, most generous people you would ever meet. He is gentle and kind, and would put his own life at risk before possibly causing injury to another...

...then he gets behind the wheel.

Every time I ride with him driving, I have a number in my head (and a rosary in my pocket) as to how many times other drivers will a) beep their horns at him, b) give him the finger, c) slam on their brakes within 50 feet of his vehicle. That number depends on the distance and time I am under his control. I call it the WTF number.

Know why? I'll tell you. 

1. Sam does not anticipate the unanticipated.  He assumes every vehicle he can see in front of him is on a railroad track and will not change lanes. 
2. He drives in people's blind spots.
3. When once I questioned why we were going 105 mph (literally) to get downstate to a police academy graduation, he told me, "In case something happens we will have time to take care of it." I asked him what he thought might happen, and he said we could have a flat tire. I told him that would be catastrophic at this speed, and we would have eternity to take care of it. I also told him if we went any faster we would arrive yesterday. By the way, Sam's number that day was 3. I pointed out each driver we passed who gave him the finger, and he kept saying, "What's that guy's problem?" He was once stopped on an empty highway in Nevada for driving 115 mph (I was not in the car). The state trooper asked Sam why he was going 115 miles per hour, and Sam replied, "The car wouldn't go any faster."
4. In the winter, Sam does not use his window defog/defrost, nor does he run the heat in his car. If we lived in San Diego, this would be irrelevant. However we live in Chicago, and so this becomes relevant pretty quickly. We we find ourselves inside a cloud with no visibility to either side or behind, and periscope views ahead, Sam will begrudgingly turn on the defog until he can see through 1/3 of his windshield, then turn it off again. All the while he and the rest of us are freezing. That's because it's 12 degrees F outside. I have often asked him (expletives included) why he prefers to do this. He tells me his 90 year old mother (a wonderful lady, by the way) does not like the heat on in the car. I look around for his mom, and do not see her in the vehicle. He says she thinks it uses more gas to run the heat or defogger. The lady can cook the balls off a chicken, but she knows little about automotive technology.
5. Sam thinks his turn signal is a frivolous luxury. Especially the right one.
6. Sam changes lanes while turning. Whenever we come to a double left turn lane, he gets into the far left one, and in the course of his turn, he changes into the right one. EVERY G-DAMN TIME. This results in a higher than normal WTF number, and frequent, "What's that guy's problem?" inquiries from Sam.
7. Sam tailgates. As he has grown older he has backed off a little, but I don't think he's done so consciously.

Now you might be wondering how many accidents Sam has been in. The answer is ZERO. I am completely convinced this is due solely to Divine Intervention. My wife does not like me to get into the car with Sam driving. My 85 year old father loves Sam, but he was a passenger in Sam's car 16 years ago. Whenever my dad asks how Sam is doing, he follows up with, "You don't get in the car with him, do you?"

I know what else you're thinking. Does he ever get a ticket?  He gets stopped now and then, but no, he doesn't. The reason is because he is a retired police officer, and because he is nice, and because he doesn't get into accidents.